latest and greatest: a taste of fish and chips.

vul·gar

/ˈvʌlgər/ Show Spelled[vuhl-ger] Show IPA adjective

1.

characterized by ignorance of or lack of good breeding or taste: vulgar ostentation.

2.

indecent; obscene; lewd: a vulgar work; a vulgar gesture.

3.

crude; coarse; unrefined: a vulgar peasant.

that's where i'll begin this post. 

so amongst my many amazing online dating experiences, here lies the latest and greatest.  

enter british man. i randomly stumbled upon him on the ever so epic plenty of fish, threw him a message and it wasn't long that i was throwing him texts one too many times a day. british man seemed pretty legit. has been living in the u.s. on and off as a soccer coach for youth teams throughout wisconsin. i spent my whole trip in new orleans texting him about my trip and getting to know eachother. when i got home, i then spent ridiculous amounts of time skyping him which seemed to be a really neat way to connect with someone before meeting in person. anyhoo, we had decided to meet that saturday and so we did.

it was already in my head that i was more than prepared to get shit faced drunk that night- my friend anna has over 10 livers which makes her a ham to drink with and she was planning on being out that night. british man and i met at a local restaurant, had some brews. instantly we were pretty touchy. not that i completely wanted it, but i just let it happen. i made it be known right away that i had full intention to get hammered that night whether he wanted to or not. what was it that he REALLY wanted to do? touch my fanny. oh and he let that be known. apparently british men are excellent at being honest.
"come sit on my dick."  "i'll just wank."  

so we go out that night, meet up with anna, things go fine and i get REAL drunk.

apparently someone thought it was a good idea for british man to drive us home. not only was the car packed with too many people, but b.m. decided it was a great idea to drive on the OPPOSITE, british side of the road at approximately 100 mph. GENIUS!!!! isn't it?!?!?! fuck.

when we went back to anna's that night, i had planned to bunk in her roommates room while he was away. now, i was previously friends with this roommate and had no intentions of making him hate me. well well well. didn't i just do EXACTLY that. british man got a little trial of my fanny that night and in the midst of bangage, my so awesome emotions decided to say out loud "i can't. this is too much like my ex." (i don't have an ex. why did i even call him my ex? what the fuck.). oh and there's the big EX bomb. the sex ruiner. the OFF button. british man was NOT happy and i was too drunk to acknowledge the fact that he really was pissed. there he went storming out the door. i was able to retrieve him for some more whoopy that failed to please me either way, but at least he wasn't running home at 3 am. 

the next morning i KNEW i had to find my one piece of evidence that was left behind...

the god damn condom.

let's mention the fact that my eyeballs are majorly fucked lately and i can't see worth a damn in the morning, so there i was crawling on my hands and knees to find this little piece of latex evidence. 

i could. not. find. it. shit shit shit. i found the wrapper, just not the main act. so i said screw it, made the bed up all nice and made sure it didn't look like two people had fornicated in it while he was gone. anna knew i couldn't find it and as long as she was ok with it, so was i. (apparently we're both a little too easy going).

the following saturday i receive a text from the roommate.

"you could have at least cleaned up after yourself..."

attached a picture message of the condom.

FUCK.

stuck to his god damn dvd player. ( i laugh at this know, actually a lot, but at the time it was horrifying).

my attempt at apologizing apparently didn't go over well seeing as it was the roommates one excuse to get out of the lease he wanted out of a week after moving in. he never responded to my texts and that was that.

god damn british men. 

things with british man were iffy from then on. i wasn't sure that i was completely into him or even available to give him my time.

so came the last night i saw him. i had planned to get to his house around 11ish after work and dinner. he was out with his british & scottish roommates and said he'd be back around the same time i would arrive. well there i was. 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 minutes later and NO british man. REALLY!>?!?! REALLY!?!? i was not happy. it was beyond annoying and i couldn't believe i had even waited THAT long for him. he finally arrived and i waited for his roommates to go inside because i felt like it would be intimidating to meet a roomful of UK men. so when b.m. and i went to walk in the house, all the lights were off. well isn't that odd, i thought. then b.m. flickers on the light switch and there in 3 different recliners were his three roommates.

BUTT.

ASS.

NAKED.

ummmm......"hi?" what the fuck is going on!!! my first thought was "this is one of hell of a first impression." followed by my second thought "oh god. i'm about to be gang raped." 

b.m. acted like nothing was the matter. took a seat on yet another couch and struck up some laughter and conversation with his bros. not only were these men naked, but also hilarious. one was so witty and snarky that i couldn't understand what he was saying half of the time. i swear the mumble worse than i do. then add that little British accent shit and you're screwed. i soon became comfortable with my atmosphere and let them do their thing. i began to notice how fucking attractive two of these guys were...way more attractive than b.m. whoops. 

i knew just then it was over. not only could i not handle a british man's vulgarity, but i certainly couldn't have a crush on his roommates while i dated him (whoops.)

so that night, after a piss poor laying, i left.

pulled the good ol' "i need to go home. i'm not feeling well. actually. i just want to go home."

 and there it is again...the epic
"SEE YA!"'s

introduction + first kiss

weeee-ohhhh! here goes something! i've been throwing this whole blog idea around here and there with clients and friends and i've finally decided to make a legit attempt at it. first off, i preferred not to do 8.432 hours of perfecting the layout for this thing so eventually yes, it will change. second off, i'm no pro language arts/english guru, so if i misplace a comma or use it like it's going out of style, GET OVER IT. i don't care and i'm sure you'll understand what i'm saying anyway. and last thing, i don't capitilize anything unless it's used for "shouting". it's not laziness, i just don't like the look of it.

introduction:
hey, i'm alyssa. i'm a single, white female, 23 years of (young) age. i am a semi-hard working hairstylist, photographer, pet sitter, babysitter, wedding planner, and the list goes on. i have a huge issue with staying on track (aka, undiagnosed A.D.D. like everyone else in the world). i am here to write about my random ass dating experiences. good, bad, ugly, random, and let's just say..interesting. while i have come to accept the fact that yes, i am young, i still like to think it's crazy i haven't found ONE man i've been completely intrigued with. or i should say, the RIGHT ONE man. i've found one, but he's a hot mess of a story which i'm sure you'll hear about.
i'm going to lay it out right now that if you know me personally or professionally, i am giving you a FOREWARNING of this content! it will contain profanity so get over it or don't continue to read! may you judge or sway from me, let that be your choice. all names i will attempt at giving an alias and if you care to pass this on to a friend because of my potential hilariousness, please also pass this forewarning.

HERE GOES!

the dreadful first kiss
freshmen year of high school. cool marching band kid (seriously).
so of course, we hang out in the band room ALL the time. well one day, i'm hanging outside the door waiting to go to other classes when this somewhat curiously cute kid is standing outside of what apparently was a special ed room. now i'm not completely sure how this kid ended up with my number and i'm also not entirely sure it was even a cell phone number. either way, i specifically remember my friend tammy* running up to me and saying "omg...did joey* just give you his number?! he's WEIRD. i wouldn't hang out with him if i were you." well, i didn't take her advice. because do i ever? no way! i prefer to experience everything completely on my own.
he pulls up to my house in this 1996 white 2 door grand am. gnarly ass muffler not to mention super creepy. all we would do is drive around (that's cool right?) and stop at his family's business to hold hands and walk through the store which was totally going under.
ok lets get to the real story.
this kid was legit bullimic. he was previously a wrestler and would literally bring his meals back up to lower his weight (typical i think but this was odd..). he no longer wrestled but somehow kept this habit up post-wrestling. not only did that really weird me out but it made me feel completely huge seeing as i was a girl 2-3 years into her "womanhood". so the one day we go into his basement to watch movies. not just us, but also his younger brother who was only a grade underneath me. joey had asked him to put a movie in and when he did, there was a woman butt-ass naked sucking some man off. WOAH! hello! i'm 15 and have NEVER watched porn! TURN THIS OFF! the movie was switched and i was able to relax again. now it's not like i didn't know what sex was. i knew what sex was LONG before that porn was probably produced. after all, my genious older sister (one of 4) did a great job of teaching me the word "boobies" at an early age. after that, my barbies were undressing, humping, and making babies ever since.
so again, i'm all relaxed when suddenly somehow joey is on the prowl..for my mouth. i remember thinking "shit, might as well get this over with and see what it's like." and there it happened. all in front of his little brother gawking like this was some real life porno scene right before his eyes! i was disturbed instantly and they both laughed. there it was.. the "weirdo" warning. my straight up dirtball first kiss. ew.

i'm not completely sure how i ended that little relationship, but it had to be done. i can bet your bottom dollar that i straight up ignored him.
and that's where it all began...